“The world is just more judgemental these days,” Kiera said as she sipped her morning coffee. I nodded. “I feel like, as myself, I am just not enough.” She said again with a deep sigh.
This is not an ordinary conversation on a coaching call. In fact, it has been popping up in many of my coaching calls across different clients. None of us are immune: I think it’s part of the human experience: learning to be confident in our skin and embrace who we are.
It sounds great, doesn’t it? Being more confident. But how can we do that? How does one actually become more confident in themselves? That’s where we seem to get stuck. It’s not for lack of trying or wanting to be more confident; it’s just that the nature of the beast is a little elusive.
In this post, I want to talk to you about the nature of confidence and some strategies you can implement to feel more confident.
What Is Confidence?
Confidence is a belief in oneself: feeling sure of yourself as a person and of your capabilities and that you have what it takes to succeed and meet life’s challenges.
Feeling confident is important because it affects how we feel about ourselves and how we show up in life. When we feel confident, we engage circuits in our brains involved in reward and pleasure that cause us to feel good. Confidence is contagious; when we feel good, we make others around us feel good, making our interactions and experiences more engaging and positive.
Don’t fret if you’re not feeling confident. It’s not fixed and unchangeable. It can be developed and worked on anyWHERE you are in life! So if you’re not feeling confident, rest assured that you can improve your confidence.
Strategies for Becoming More Confident:
- Take Action
“I’ll talk to that person when I feel less shy.” Or “I’ll wear that when I’ve lost weight.” Think for a moment how often you say or hear phrases like this. We often think we’ll hold off on something until we have the confidence to do it. This implies that it’s confidence that we need in order to accomplish whatever it is we have our minds set on. But this is actually where a lot of us go wrong.
It’s not confidence we need before we do something; it’s taking action that builds confidence.
You see, our brains are wired to feel fear in the face of uncertainty. Fear is really the opposite of confidence. So it’s natural that you may avoid things where you’re unsure about your capabilities or how it may go. But if you can face the fear head-on, you’re teaching yourself to handle uncertainty. Therefore the best thing you can do is expose yourself to your fears. Try the thing you’re unsure about. All it does is clear up some of that uncertainty; taking action allows your brain to learn and grow.
Let’s take an example, let’s say you have a fear of public speaking. This is a common one I see a lot. Many people think they’ll try public speaking once they feel more confident. They avoid public speaking, waiting for the right time, which consciously or subconsciously creates more fear around it. But if you try public speaking, the more you do it, the better you’ll get, the less you’ll find it scary, and the more confident you’ll feel because you have more experience. This is how confidence is built. We shouldn't wait for confidence to find us. We must go out and build confidence through experiences and taking action.
Building confidence is like mastering any other skill; it requires repetition and time. It is a type of learning: as we learn something new, our brain stores the information. This is due to its capacity for rewiring connections, known as neuroplasticity.
With this in mind, try adapting your mindset about confidence and utilize the principles of neuroplasticity to help you build it. You can create new pathways in your brain by experiencing something new. So if you’re looking for the ultimate confidence hack, it’s simple: take action.
- Be Kind to Yourself and Cultivate Positive Self Talk
Research shows that when we think positively, the same parts of our brain that are activated when we feel confident are also triggered. In fact, both our reward and pleasure circuits light up when we speak kindly to ourselves. If you want to feel more confident, try working on your inner dialogue.
A couple of things you can do to work on this is to appreciate what makes you uniquely you. You can ponder this while walking, driving, lying down, or zoning out during a meeting. Thinking it is nice, however, I recommend spending some time writing these things down. Bonus points if you keep this list in a place where you can access it regularly. The more you’re exposed to this list of positives, the more often you’ll think about them, and the more that can help rewire your brain to feel better about yourself – ultimately giving you more confidence.
- Make Sure You’re Surrounded By A Positive, Inclusive Environment
According to social identity theory, one way to maintain and enhance self-esteem and confidence is through relationships with others. Although, there’s one important caveat: your social groups must be inclusive. In fact, exclusionary social groups are linked to lower self-esteem.
Ultimately, if you want to work on your confidence, make sure good people surround you. Look at who you have around you. Consider how they make you feel. If you're a part of exclusionary social groups, limit your exposure to them, and spend time cultivating circles that make you feel accepted, supported, and included.
- Practice Confident Body Language
Practicing confident body language can significantly impact how others perceive you and boost your self-assurance. Here are some effective strategies to cultivate confident body language:
Focus on your posture. Try standing tall with your shoulders back and spine straight. Avoid slouching or crossing your arms, as these positions convey insecurity.
Maintain good eye contact. This signals confidence and engagement. When interacting with others, look them in the eye. Be mindful not to stare excessively, as this can come across as aggressive and strange.
Avoid fidgeting or making excessive movements, as they may indicate nervousness. Instead, use purposeful and controlled gestures. This will help communicate poise and confidence, along with emphasizing key points and maintaining engagement.
If you’re struggling with your confidence, a quick trick you can do is practice what’s known as a power pose, particularly the Superman pose, where you stand tall, with your feet should-width apart and your hands on your hips. Picture Superman and try to replicate that. Although the research is somewhat inconclusive, it is promising and does seem to suggest that practicing these power poses can lead to confidence and reduced stress levels.
- Create a Plan
One thing that helps increase your feelings of confidence is having a plan. Usually, when we don’t know where we’re headed or what we will do, it can cause feelings of stress and unease. Sure, sometimes spontaneity is exciting and is the nature of life in some ways, but if we never have a plan, we will likely feel less confident and feel that life is happening to us versus being in the driver’s seat.
So one way to increase your feelings of confidence is to come up with a plan. This puts you back into the driver’s seat and gives you a feeling of control which can increase your sense of confidence.
In conclusion, go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling with confidence. It’s a part of life and of each of our journeys. We all have to learn to feel confident in what we uniquely bring to this planet. Try reframing a lack of confidence to needing to learn something new or to push yourself past what you already know. It’s through doing these things that you can create more confidence.
If you get stuck along the way, I hope you can refer back to these strategies and use them as a guide to helping you build the confidence you’re after.
