‍This blog post was written by Kristen Peairs, Nutritionist and Meditation Guru at Nivati. You can see more of their content on the Nivati platform and on the Nivati blog. If you want to learn more about Nivati, click here. 

Have you ever been in an argument where you suddenly realize you and/or the other person sound more like children than grown adults? I certainly have. In a recent argument with my husband, I became so angry that I could barely restrain the stream of insults ready to fly from my mouth. I was mad!

In that moment of fury, my adult self was nearly overwhelmed by my inner three-year old. My 3-year-old self was hurting, and she wanted to cause hurt in return. All that stood between her, and my husband was my adult awareness that knew speaking insults wasn’t going to improve the situation.

As adults, most of us have developed emotional coping skills that are well beyond the level of a small child, but on certain occasions, we might sometimes find ourselves reverting back to basic child-like behaviors such as yelling, screaming, throwing fits, blaming, hitting, and/or running away. Why does this happen?

It turns out that a person’s chronological age doesn’t necessarily match up with their emotional age all the time, particularly in stressful situations. There are a variety of reasons why this mismatch occurs. A few reasons are as follows.

·       Health conditions or genetic variations that prevent emotional development beyond a certain point

·       Inexperience with advanced strategies for handling stress

·       Old hurts, pains, or traumas from childhood

To read more about how old hurts can influence current pains, check out this article on trauma.

In the story I shared about my argument with my husband, my degree of upset and desire to hurl insults was related to the re-awakening of my angry inner 3-year old. Despite the fact that I’ve spent many years developing emotional awareness and learning new skills, there are times when my hurt inner child becomes triggered. While this reaction is not fun for anyone involved, it does cue me, the adult, to realize that maybe my anger at my husband is related to something that isn’t even about him. It is at this point, where I have learned to step away and take time out to connect with my inner child.

Before talking about how to connect with your inner child, I first want to address what an inner child is.

What is an inner child?

An inner child is an aspect of yourself that never grew up. At the very center of the inner child concept, “inner child” refers to the idea that we all have a happy, carefree, innocent, childlike awareness that is alive within us. With that childlike awareness, characteristics such as curiosity, playfulness, emotional openness, and vulnerability are naturally present.

Just as there is the innocent aspect of the inner child, there is also the hurt aspect of the inner child. By the time we’ve made it to adulthood, we humans have had many experiences of upset and pain. Problems in adult life can arise when the hurt aspect of the inner child becomes triggered. When the stressful situation in our present life feels similar to a past stressor that occurred in childhood, the inner child that experienced the stressor can awaken and lash out in the way that a child would—bullying, blaming, shaming, melting down, lying etc.

Where did the concept of the inner child originate?

The concept of the “inner child” was first investigated by the psychologist Carl Jung when he began looking into his own childlike ways of responding to life situations. Since then, the concept of the inner child has been explored by many mental health professionals and clients alike.

What are the mental health benefits of connecting with your inner child?

The mental health benefits of learning how to connect with your inner child include a greater sense of safety, relaxation, peace, happiness, connection, understanding, compassion, and stress-relief. Also, through learning how to reconnect with your inner child, you might experience yourself feeling more curious and playful. The positive endorphins associated with these pleasant feelings all support better mental health.

When we take time to connect with our inner child, we have the opportunity to gain valuable insights that can help us stay more relaxed and open to opportunity in our adult life.

Even though it’s common to become caught up in the hustle of work, family, and home, it’s important to remember the gifts that our inner child offers. These gifts include the ability to trust, receive, love, be vulnerable, and experience simple joy.

It’s often not until we experience symptoms of an unhappy inner child that we take the time to look a little deeper.

Symptoms of an Unhappy Inner Child

An unhappy inner child is very similar to an unhappy actual child. After all, your inner child is simply a piece of your child self that never grew up. If you find yourself reacting to situations or people in the way a toddler or preschooler would, then you might want to reconnect with your inner child. Blaming, name-calling, tantrums, bullying, and lying are a few symptoms of an unhappy inner child. In truth though, there are an infinite number of behaviors and symptoms that can signify an unhappy inner child.

In my case, after my inner 3-year got mad, I took a timeout to reconnect with her. During our timeout, I felt the pain of feeling misunderstood. When I was little, I had big ideas and people rarely appreciated them. Even though I have now learned many skills to share my ideas, there are still times when the people closest to me don’t get it. In those moments, the old frustration combines with the current frustration, my adult emotional skills become weaker, and the child frustration magnifies.

How to Reconnect with Your Inner Child

There are so many ways to reconnect with your inner child. It’s up to each of us to determine the strategies that are right for our needs.

Here’s how I guide my clients.

1.       Reflect on how you’d seek to connect with a hurt, angry or frustrated flesh and blood child.

2.       Use your imagination to use those approaches with your inner child.

Example:

When my inner child is upset, I imagine going with her to a quiet place and sitting next to her. I imagine loving her and saying I’m sorry that she is hurting. Sometimes I feel her hurt and hear her angry words. Other times I don’t feel anything, but my mind clears and I feel free to move on with my day.

Additional strategies I use to connect with my inner child include journaling, doodling, and meditation.

Often, it’s helpful to seek professional support. It can be hard to navigate the adult self and child self at the same time. Give yourself a break and let someone else guide you on the journey.

In conclusion, if you have found your curiosity piqued by this article, consider diving a little deeper into learning how to connect with your own inner child. Use the internet to search for “inner child healing resources” and follow your natural curiosity.

For more on connecting with your inner child, check out this video!

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