This blog post was written by Liadan Gunter, Life Coach at Nivati. You can see more of their content on the Nivati platform and on the Nivati blog. If you want to learn more about Nivati, click here.

Do you know that cringe feeling—the one in the pit of your stomach, the one that perhaps makes you angry or makes you want to cry—a big ball of energy in your gut banging on the edges trying to escape? It’s strong. It’s powerful. It can be overwhelming. Ah yes, it’s that familiar feeling of having your boundaries crossed.

This happens to all of us at one point or another: someone crosses our boundaries and it evokes a feeling inside us that lets us know that something is not sitting right with us. When this happens, either we may not understand, what this feeling is trying to tell us, or we may understand it but not know how to act on it.

Being able to identify our emotions and understand when something has crossed our boundaries is one skill. A second skill is being able to set boundaries. Some of us may already have this down pat, but others may not know how to do this or may not know what our boundaries are. This is all normal and okay. It’s hard to know and enforce these things. This is what today’s article is about.

Boundaries 101

But first… what is a boundary?

A boundary is essentially a line or a limit that protects your physical space, time, energy, feelings, needs, and responsibilities (just to name a few). Boundaries are a way of telling others what is acceptable to you and what isn’t. They are basically guidelines for others on how to treat you, and what you are willing and not willing to accept in your life.

Setting boundaries is extremely important not only between yourself and others, but also with yourself. I like to think of it as a way of protecting your peace, keeping you on track and in alignment with your priorities and values.

Setting Boundaries with Yourself

Before diving into setting boundaries with the outside world, it’s important to make sure you can set boundaries with yourself. For a lot of people, the first thing to go out the window when someone requests something of us are the commitments we have with ourselves. Perhaps you had plans to have a cozy night in because you’ve been working really hard and are feeling a bit burnt out. You have been craving this time, and you need this time to reset. However, at the last minute, a friend invites you out for drinks and gives you a hard time when you try to decline the invitation, reminding you how long it’s been since you have seen each other.

We’re all torn in this situation. Sometimes it can be nice to push through and go have some social time, but other times we really are in need of that down time. You know where your limits are. So let’s say you are at this limit. You know you wouldn’t enjoy yourself if you went, and it would just be more of a headache to go. So what do you do? Do you go anyway?

Many of us would go anyway, and then fall behind on all the things we had planned and needed to do. This is where a lack of boundaries with yourself comes in. It may seem to be a lack of boundaries with others as (it is also, on some level) but ultimately it comes down to you not remaining accountable to yourself and your own needs.

Often we want to make those around us happy, and to do so we end up sacrificing our own needs and wants and boundaries. I get it! Also, it’s sometimes important to do things we don’t want to do, so it can be difficult to discern whether this is one of those times or not. You may find yourself asking: “Is this something I should push through and do because perhaps it is good for me, or is this something I really need to say no to?”

So how do you decide? To have boundaries with yourself, you really need to be in tune with yourself. That means being very aware of your tendencies, your energy, and your feelings.

Continuing with the example from above, I mentioned that you are feeling really tired and in need of a cozy night in. So how do you get to that conclusion and then follow through with it? I recommend first taking stock of your energy level. You may ask yourself:

           - What kind of activities have I been doing lately?

           - How has that left me feeling afterwards?

           - Do I feel that my socialization tank is full, half full, or empty?

           - What have my commitments been?

           - Am I feeling out of control and chaotic?

           - Am I feeling at peace and on top of things?

For me, the last two questions are a really good indicator of where I need to set my boundaries. I find that if I’m feeling out of control and chaotic, that’s a sign that I’m either doing too much or I need to get some things better organized. Of course there are times when life can just be hectic, especially if you have children, so I’m not saying this lightly, but if you’re feeling out of control and like you can’t even remember what you had for lunch, that’s a big sign you need to set more boundaries or take some things off of your to-do list. This is one of those moments where you may come to the conclusion that you need a night off, or at least a night to get organized.

Answering yes to the last question is a good indicator that you may be able to push through. But it really all comes down to what you want to do. Setting boundaries with the outside world really comes down to you having a strong commitment to yourself and holding yourself to it.

This isn’t something that happens overnight. It is usually a process. For example, let’s say you are trying to eat a healthy diet. Perhaps you’re trying to cut out sugars and processed foods, for the most part. Most of the day you’re able to stick to this healthy diet, but later at night you go to the pantry and dig out the chocolate. Not just a small amount of chocolate either—a LOT of it—and then find yourself feeling pretty sick, jacked up on caffeine, and having a hard time sleeping. Right after you finish eating the chocolate you think, “Oh no! Why did I do that?”

This issue is actually multi-layered because it can be due to learned coping mechanisms (which can be hard to break), a bad relationship with food, or many other things. However, at the bottom of it is a lack of boundaries with yourself.

So how do you handle this? First, you need to know where the behavior is coming from. Are there factors that are contributing to this behavior? For example, did you eat enough food throughout the day to satisfy you? When we eat a balanced diet and give our bodies the proper fuel, we usually don’t have these giant cravings, so this can be a good indicator to make sure you aren’t cutting out important food groups and that you’re getting enough of what you need. Or are you eating even though you aren’t hungry? If so, it may be worth understanding where you learned this behavior, and doing some work on the root issue there.

Another possibility is that many people will end up eating a lot of chocolate in those cases because of thoughts like “Oh well, I’ve already broken my diet, so I may as well go all in.” This is a type of all-or-nothing thinking that indicates there is some work to do around your relationship with food. Maybe you need to stop looking at foods as good or bad, and allow yourself to indulge from time to time. Ultimately, it’s understanding where the behavior is coming from that will allow you to do some healing work around that behavior.

Second, get to know your tendencies. Say you have a tendency to eat chocolate in large quantities late at night. You know this about yourself. When you recognize this tendency, you can build up strategies for dealing with it, so while you are working on the root cause of the behavior, you can also put up barricades to help keep you on track. For example, you could stop stockpiling chocolate at home, or you might allow yourself to eat a little bit of it and not have it mean that your whole diet is ruined. You might also choose to keep healthier sweet options in stock for your late-night snacks.

Whatever your goal, your boundaries need to reflect that. I call this babyproofing myself. To babyproof yourself:

1. Understand why you’re breaking your commitment to yourself, and deal with the root cause

2. Put up blocks that protect you from your known tendencies

3. Check in with yourself first to assess your wants, needs, energy level, and whether the activity supports your goal

Setting Boundaries According to Your Values

If you’re struggling to set boundaries with yourself and others, or if you’re simply wondering where to start and how to know what boundaries to set, you might start by trying to understand what is really important to you, and coming up with a list of rules around those values.

For example, let’s say that a work-life balance is really important to you. Your value is that you want to do well at work but you also want to have a life outside of it. Then you try to determine how to make that happen.

Boundaries at Work and Boundaries at Home

Let’s say you’re at the park with your kids and you’re checking your work email, and suddenly you get an email from your boss that there is some sort of fire for you to put out. It’s not particularly unusual; there’s some kind of disaster that needs tending on a daily basis. But there you are, at the park with your kids, and you’re worried what to say to your boss, if your boss will call you, or if you need to run home and look at your computer.

This is a boundary issue. Of course, I understand it’s never so simple. There are times we need to deal with things like this, but if it’s an ongoing thing, chances are it could wait until the next day. This simple act of checking your email has ruined your joy in the moment with your kids, and you’re left feeling anxious and worried.

One idea is to eliminate checking your work email while you are at home, concluding that if there is a true emergency, someone will call. This can leave you with more peace of mind. Or perhaps, if it’s too much for you not to check it at all, have a specific time when you mindfully check your email. That means, not when you just have an idle moment in the midst of all the family time. It means checking it when you have time to truly deal with it and respond to it. Otherwise it will eat at you and seep into your peace at home.

Related: How to Set Family and Work-Life Boundaries

Guilt About Setting Boundaries

You may be wondering why you keep checking your work email at home or perhaps why you keep staying at work longer in case someone needs something from you. What’s driving this behavior? The answer is likely some guilt.

Perhaps you worry if someone needs something from you and you’re not there, you could get fired. If it’s not a work situation but a friend, perhaps you feel that you’ll let them down and your friendship could be ruined, or that they may not like you as much if you set a boundary or don’t reply fast enough. These worries are rooted in fear, yes, but also in guilt. Guilt about upsetting others.

This is why it’s important to have boundaries and commitments with yourself. This is why we tend to put others above us, because we can deal with feeling l guilty to ourselves but it’s harder to feel guilty toward others, probably because the consequences others may give us are out of our control. We fear these consequences and , we want things to go well with those around us, so we bend on our own boundaries to try to ensure their happiness, all the while bending on our own boundaries so when we get home we feel guilty about ourselves.

Ironically, it’s the boundaries you establish by putting yourself first that keep you guilt-free both with yourself and with others. Ultimately you need to get to a place where you feel comfortable saying “what I’m doing is for my utmost good and that has to take precedence over everything else.” If someone else isn’t okay with that, then maybe you need to be okay with them occupying a smaller place in your life. To be truly happy and on top of things, we all have to honor our own boundaries and have people around us honor them too. Your boundaries will help you keep the right people, opportunities, and habits in your life to serve your values.

If you still feel guilt around setting boundaries, know it’s totally normal. Your boundaries, setting them and keeping them is also a factor in loving yourself more. It is not something to apologize for, but to embrace.

Anxiety Around Setting Boundaries

It is natural to feel anxious when setting boundaries. So how do you work through this? Try starting small. Say no to one thing. The trick is to communicate your boundaries in a polite but firm way.

Let’s say someone invites you to a concert, but you don’t really like that music and you know you won’t enjoy it. You may be thinking of saying yes anyway, but you’re short on money and you really only want to spend it on activities that you enjoy. One response might be: “Thanks for the invite, but I’m not really into that music. I’d love to go to a concert with you in the future when it’s a band I’m more into. Let’s keep it in mind down the road.” Something like this makes it clear that it’s not the person but the event that does not interest you.

The way we communicate our boundaries can help alleviate our anxiety around setting those boundaries. It’s good to be as direct as possible, and if it’s something you’re still getting used to, just try it out where you can in small moments. Perhaps someone offers you something to eat that you don’t like, you just say “No, thank you.” Even something this small is good practice for learning to feel comfortable insetting boundaries. As you practice, you’ll grow more confident.

Non-negotiable Boundaries Versus Flexible Boundaries

Now the real question is: How do I know which boundaries are non-negotiable and which are flexible? It’s tricky sometimes, isn’t it? Let’s go back to the first example of when someone was inviting you out for drinks but you really wanted to have a cozy night in. I mentioned that sometimes it is good to push ourselves out of what we had planned, or to try something different, or merely to compromise with someone important to us. For example, maybe your partner has an important work event and really wants to bring you, but you are feeling super tired and would just rather stay home. This is a situation where we may need to compromise.

You are the only person who can know where the line is for you, because the line will be different for everyone, and that’s okay. Your line doesn’t have to be the same as others’.

To know where your line is, listen to your feelings. If you go against what your boundary is telling you, will you feel content with that decision or will you feel upset with it? Perhaps you don’t want to go to your partner’s work event, you really need the time off, but you think, “Well, there’s going to be sometime that I will want my partner to join me at my work event,” so you compromise because it is important.

Now let’s take something more challenging. Perhaps you’re out with friends and one of them begins talking badly about another friend who isn’t there. You feel uncomfortable. It feels wrong to you. You have made a boundary that you don’t engage in that kind of talk. So what do you do? If you’re flexible on this boundary, this may be something that isn’t in alignment with your values. Or perhaps you join in and conclude it’s really not such a problem for you after all.

The trick is knowing where you are willing to compromise on your values and where you are not. You can assess it by analyzing how you feel afterwards. By making the mistake of being flexible where we shouldn’t have been, we often learn which of our boundaries are non-negotiable. And vice versa. It’s absolutely okay to learn by a little bit of trial and error. The takeaway is that your feelings about yourself after you either flexed or enforced your boundaries will let you know which is okay for you and which is not.

Ultimately in all of these topics surrounding boundaries, there is one common element. That element is you. You are the one that gets to decide what is okay for you and what isn’t. This requires you knowing yourself and being okay with having boundaries that may be different from those of others around you. The most important thing with boundaries is honoring yourself and giving yourself permission to have the life that you want. The boundaries you choose to enforce will help get you there.

Related: How to Set Remote Work Boundaries Around Working Hours

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