This blog post was written by Erin Malan, Meditation Guru at Nivati. You can see more of their content on the Nivati platform and on the Nivati blog. If you want to learn more about Nivati, click here.
We can’t control all of our circumstances, but we can control our reactions to our circumstances.
How many times each day do you encounter a stressful event? It can be something small, like hitting traffic, or something large like a trip to the ER with your 7-year-old. We all experience stress, and much of life’s work is figuring out how to cope.
There is an ancient Buddhist teaching called “The Second Arrow” that provides an instructive framework for dealing with stressful events:
Imagine you are enjoying a quiet hike, in a forest, on an autumn day. An arrow suddenly hits you high on your left shoulder blade. Ouch! “Stop!” you yell, but another arrow is already coming in your direction, and it hits the same spot as the first. Double ouch! This second one hurts even more! Finally, arrows stop flying and some very sorry bow hunters emerge from a nearby grove. They help you get appropriate medical attention. Eventually, you heal, but you always remember how much more the second arrow hurts than the first.
Buddha: “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?”
Student: “Yes, of course.”
Buddha: “If a person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?”
Student: “Yes, it is.”
Buddha: “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. But the second arrow is our reaction to the first and it brings with it the possibility of choice.”
What are first arrows?
First, arrows are circumstances beyond our control. They are the stressful events we face day in and day out—some small and some large. They can occur at home, at work, in social settings, and anytime in between. They can also be unwanted thoughts or depressive moods.
Imagine you are enjoying a quiet morning, working from home, when an email comes through from your boss. The message includes criticism of one of your past projects. It stings a bit. You begin to stew, and over the next few hours you have thoughts ranging from: “Who does my boss think she is saying that?” to “I am horrible at my job!” Your second arrow has hit harder than the first. The sting has increased, and your current work suffers.
Diverting the Second Arrow
But you have a choice. While you cannot control what your boss said in her message, you can read it in a different way. You can decide to focus on other thoughts: “My boss has gone out of her way to give me constructive feedback— she must see potential and talent in me” or “I am grateful she is investing her time to help me become better at my job.” You do not feel the pain of the second arrow. Rather, you apply her advice and see how it aids you in your current work project. Your confidence grows.
Modern science backs up the ancient teaching of “The Second Arrow.” It is not the initial stressor that does the most harm to our health and wellbeing, but rather our response to it.
Meditation to Cope with Stress
Changing our response to stress rarely happens overnight. It takes patience and practice. One of my favorite meditations to cope with stress is called STOP. STOP is an acronym representing the following:
Stop
Take a breath
Observe
Proceed
The Four Steps of STOP
- Stop
The first step is to pause, even for a moment. Allow your mind and body to take a break for as long as is feasible. Taking several minutes to practice STOP when faced with a stressor is wonderful, but meditation is still a valuable tool to cope with stress when you only have a few seconds.
- Take a Breath
The second step is to notice your breath. Conscious breathing has many benefits. Most importantly, it brings us into the present moment. Movement therapist Thomas Myers sums it up well: “Enhancing the respiratory function is the surest and simplest way to increase the adaptive capacity in the organism.”
Related: Breathing Exercises for Workplace Stress Relief
- Observe
Third, take account of what thoughts, feelings, and emotions come up for you surrounding your stressor. Avoid judgment of your internal experience, instead, just be present with it.
- Proceed
Because you took the time—even a moment—to stop, breathe, and observe, you are more empowered to respond to your stressor with intention. In this fourth step, you choose an approach that helps you avoid the second arrow of negative reaction.
How to Practice STOP
Find a comfortable seat. You can sit in a chair or on the floor. You want your back straight, but not rigid. Close your eyes or come to a soft gaze and rest your hands in your lap.
Bring to mind a current situation that you want to work on. Maybe it is a strained work relationship or a regular annoyance at home. Try to choose a stressor that is straightforward and not too serious, as you first learn to apply STOP. If at any time during the meditation you find yourself very anxious or in pain, please pause the meditation and return to it later.
Consider the stressful situation you chose for a few moments. What is your typical reaction to the event? Put yourself in the frame of mind that the stressor normally evokes.
Now, imagine yourself pausing before your typical reaction kicks in. Allow yourself space and time to just be still.
Take some deep breaths. Notice how your belly expands on your inhale, and then how it shrinks on your exhale. Let all of your attention rest on your breathing body for a couple of minutes. Your breath grounds you and brings you into the present moment.
Observe your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Do you feel discomfort, anger, or frustration? Maybe you think the situation is funny or irritating. Do you notice any sensations in the body? Perhaps tension or tightness. Observe without judgment. Just explore what is there and take note without labeling anything as good or bad. Roll out the welcome mat and allow yourself to experience what is happening inside of you.
Now you get to choose how to control the second arrow. Tap into your wisdom and kindness and decide how you want to proceed within the situation. Maybe you will continue with current strategies or perhaps a new path is emerging. Sense that there is infinite space for you to move forward in. You need not react in a habitual way. Trust that you have the potential to respond to the situation with intelligence and love.
Use STOP Everyday
My number one advice regarding STOP is to remember to use it multiple times each day. Use it for the small stuff and the big stuff. Practicing STOP regularly will help you move through life with more intention, clarity, and success.
If you’d like to learn about other tools to cope with stress, watch this fascinating, and funny, Ted Talk by psychologist Kelly McGonigal.
If you want to practice STOP with verbal guidance, you can check out my video here.
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