People pleasing. It's a behavior that many of us engage in, from saying yes when we want to say no, to prioritizing others' needs over our own, or seeking approval and validation from colleagues. When does it become too much? When does it go from harmless politeness to taking a toll on our wellbeing and sense of self? And once it's crossed that line, how do we regain control? In today's blog, we’ll answer these questions and explore practical tips that can apply to both your professional career and personal life.
People Pleasing In The Workplace
When it comes to addressing any kind of tendency or habit you're looking to change, getting a deeper understanding behind your “why” is often a good place to start. This answer is unique to everyone and can range from a variety of reasons. With people pleasing for example; Are you seeking validation from others at work? Do you fear rejection or conflict if you don't comply with everyone's demands? Understanding why you feel the need to constantly please others can help you begin to break free from this pattern. So taking time to better understand your underlying cause can be a foundation to ultimately changing the behavior. That being said, let’s look at steps you can take to regain your workplace confidence.
Commit To An Authentic You
“Fake it till you make it.” Undoubtedly one of the most damaging mantras to live by. We’ve all had to put on a happy face during a tough work day, or be civil during a challenging interaction, but embracing this fake persona day after day can ultimately lead to feelings of emptiness and disconnection. And while my suggestion would be to embrace your true self in every situation, this is not realistic or helpful for someone who’s having trouble even starting.
Instead, start by being more mindful of your truly authentic interactions each workday, and recognize how they make you feel. If you’ve yet to have any, aim for at least one truly real interaction each workday. This means being honest about your thoughts, feelings, and values, even if it means facing discomfort in the beginning. By living authentically, you will build genuine connections with others and feel more confident in your own skin. Remember, authenticity is not about being perfect, but about being real and true to yourself.
Communication Is Key
Our next step will help ensure committing to your true self sticks. When we think of employee-employer relationships, we don’t often recognize that you are in fact allowed to discuss concerns, challenges, and struggles you may be facing. All while feeling comfortable that your superior will help point you in the right direction. Remember that your boss is there to support you and help you succeed in your role.
When discussing struggles and challenges, being honest in your communication, while also coming prepared with potential solutions or ideas for improvement shows that you are committed to your own growth and development. By building open and honest communication with your boss, you can create a strong working relationship based on trust and understanding, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and successful work experience.
Set Boundaries
When we hear “set boundaries”, we often associate this with negative outcomes. Setting boundaries can mean upsetting your boss. Not getting that promotion. Or not being offered a new project opportunity. But do these thoughts really add up?
Setting boundaries is not about creating negative outcomes or upsetting others. Instead, it is a necessary act of self-respect. By setting boundaries, you are clearly defining your limits, values, and priorities, which ultimately leads to a healthier and more balanced work-life dynamic. And when done effectively, setting boundaries can actually lead to increased respect from your boss and co-workers, as they see that you value your own well-being and are committed to maintaining a healthy work environment. Ultimately, setting boundaries allows you to establish clear expectations and create a more positive and productive workplace for yourself and those around you. Here are some easy boundary setting examples to give a try.
- Saying “no” to a request can be challenging and in some contexts, come off as short. If a co-worker or boss is looking for assistance with an upcoming project, here’s another option. “Thanks for thinking about me, but I’m not going to be able to help you out on this project.” or “Thanks for thinking about me, but I don’t think I am the best fit for this project.”
- Overtime can be great for a little extra cash, but what if it starts to disrupt your family and self care time? Turning down often pressuring requests to work overtime can be daunting, but here is one way to start. “I appreciate the opportunity, but I have already made commitments that are important to me.”
Now you may be thinking, “what if I don’t have other commitments, am I lying?” The answer is no. Committing to personal time away from work to decompress and enjoy your own hobbies is just as, if not more, important than working overtime at each request.
People Pleasing At Home
Now that we’ve established some good guidelines on career people pleasing, and how to take back control while still remaining respectful, how can this be applied to our personal life? It’s no doubt that many of us have at one point felt as if we’ve been taken advantage of (even if that is not intended). However, due to our people pleasing nature, we continue to fulfill others favors while never daring to ask for any of our own. Changing the habits of personal and family related people pleasing can be a little more tricky. As these may be people you spend more time with or are obligated to meet with on occasion.
For cases like this, it’s important to call back to what was briefly touched on before. Changing your people pleasing habits and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you’ve been giving out to others, is not mean or bad. Declining certain invites or taking a step back from certain commitments is not a crime. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself first allows you to show up as your best self for others. Now let’s take a look at three ways you can do just that.
Utilize A Calendar
This may come off as a pretty basic and even outdated recommendation for some, but using a calendar and even daily planning can prove to keep your plans in order and time on your side. Many use calendars as appointment only tools. Penciling in only those one-off things that need to be remembered. But I am going to recommend a different approach. Use your calendar for more.
Using a calendar for work hours, time for your hobbies, events for your children, time at the gym and so on will give you a much better overview of two things. One being, where your time is actually going. And two, how much time you actually have to commit to other things. It may seem like a simple solution, but dedicating a few minutes each day to planning out your schedule can make a big difference in your time management and free time. By using your calendar for more than just appointments, you can ensure that you are making time for the things that truly matter to you and have a true reason to turn down the other things that don’t.
Anticipate Challenge
Throughout your process of self pleasing vs. people pleasing, it’s realistic to anticipate some challenges ahead. We are creatures of habit. And by this point, others are more than likely accustomed to your automatic agreement to requests and favors. By changing this behavior, some are bound to notice, and may even be surprised. This is okay. However, if this tension alone is a deterrent to start, here are two ways you can inform others you may be less inclined to doing extra tasks for them.
- “Hey Mom, I know I’ve been able to help you out with “xyz” every week, but I don’t think I will be able to keep up that consistency. I’m finding that I need to prioritize some of my own responsibilities right now, and I hope you can understand and support me in this decision. Is there any other solution that works for both of us?”
- “Hey Friend, I wanted to talk to you about something that's been on my mind. I value our friendship and love helping out, though I’ve come to understand that it's important for me to take care of myself too. So, I may need to say no to some extra tasks in order to focus on my own well-being and priorities. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. Thank you for being a supportive friend.”
Learn To Say No
To finish off our checklist, we are going to talk about the scariest two word answer, “no”. Saying no doesn't mean being rude or selfish, it simply means recognizing and honoring your own limits and boundaries. It's important to remember that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and desires, even if it may disappoint or inconvenience others. Learning to say no firmly but respectfully can help you take back control of your time and energy. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice and self-awareness, you can become more assertive in expressing your own needs and desires without feeling guilty. For the times where a straightforward “no” may not be appropriate, here are some short but clear examples to get the same message across.
- I don't have the bandwidth for that right now.
- I appreciate the offer, but I have other plans.
- I'm sorry, but I can't make it work.
- I'm grateful for the invitation, but I have to decline.
- I'm currently tied up with other responsibilities.
- Thank you for thinking of me, but I have to pass on the offer.
- I have to respectfully decline your offer.
- I'm sorry, I won't be able to assist with that.
Break The Cycle
Breaking free from the cycle of people pleasing requires self-awareness, assertiveness, and a willingness to prioritize your own needs and boundaries. It's important to recognize the signs of people pleasing behavior and take proactive steps to set boundaries, practice self-care, and learn to say no when necessary. By understanding that it's okay to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, you can start to cultivate healthier and more authentic relationships with others, while being the “real” you. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. By embracing your own worth and learning to prioritize yourself, you can break free from the trap of people pleasing and live a more fulfilling and authentic life.
